Applying the philosophies of time to my own little world

Jocelyn’s Knitting History – How I became a knitter.

In class this week Dr. Margo elaborated on the details for final project. Although this blog was intended to BE my final project… and now I’m thinking of doing something a bit …more … knitterly.

I’m thinking about creating the Grand-poo-ba of all Unfinished Objects – a knitted representation of Western Civilization. tee hee. I’m just *thinking* about it and the parallel between what I’ve learned from knitting and the thinkers contributions to modern thought.

To gain some inspiration, I’ve been reviewing my flickr account where I’ve documented photos of knitting from my very first project: A scarf in Lion Brand yarn (Lesson #1: Yarn is pretty)

I never finished it (Lesson #2: Knitting is a process.) and I gave the yarn to Rachel when I taught her to knit, a year later.

(She’s still working on it)

I learned to knit in 2006, shortly after Mom died. Shortly after I finished GNST 300. I was worried about Uncle Bill, Mom’s last surviving sibling. I kept going over to his house to visit. Really, I wanted to be with him just in case he’d talk, and he wasn’t speaking much those days but that was okay because I really liked not talking with him.

The process of us not talking drove Auntie Beth nuts & she put a pair of knitting needles in my hand.

It was such a sad time. Grief was (is) deliciously sad, and in those first shocking days I did everything I could to put one foot in front of the other. I followed my instincts and when something felt right, I simply said it.

Parents & family really are a mythic structure. I stood in front of a mirror the morning she died, when it was still to early to call anybody. I remember thinking the walls around my identity that Mom held up were now gone. Nobody had my back anymore. There was suddenly nothing . . . just, me?

Mom really never had my back. She had Alzheimers and in GNST 300 I wrote a paper about how I understood Marcus Aurelius’ words on Stoicism because of my experience learning to be her caregiver.

“Nothing happens to any man that he is not formed by nature to bear”.

It described  how stoicism was a tool I used for my (then) identity:

Once I identified that the responsibility of Mom’s care must be a priority, it served as a focal point for the development of a secure environment. Every action or choice I made from that day forward returned to the question of “How will this be best for my Mom and my ability to take care of her?”. This environment was more so valuable to me, because I’d never lived in such a secure place before.

“Reverence that which is best in the universe, and this is which makes use of all things and directs all things”

“Aurelius writes that the Stoic must focus on what is best for the whole, then, he can act to benefit the whole. I developed the simplest way to maintain this new found security, with my primitive skill set, which was to simply label things as relevant or irrelevant. If they were irrelevant I quickly learned to disregard them because it was easier to focus on what was relevant. I made some tough sacrifices for a young woman, from staying in with Mom on Friday nights when she’d be alone, to postponing studying at university for several years. In hindsight, I structured my “whole” as my Mother and I, only by disregarding that which is irrelevant was I able to develop a sense of much needed control and security that allowed me to focus on taking care of her.”

I wrote an email to the prof after Mom died. I remember writing it and feeling SO GOOD about it. Re-reading it today it’s confusing and it makes me feel so sad. It’s dated June 24, 2006 – 11 days after Mommsy died. It doesn’t make sense to me now but I think I was trying to explain how believing that my world had been stripped down to the bare bones and without the guiding force of my identity (as Mom’s caregiver) I’d relied on my own instincts to get through those early days.

“I want you to know how I’ve used the mythic structure teachings to dance with all the little nuances of Mom passing away, from accepting it but giving myself to permission (like, whoa!) to feel sad. Really sad.   And it gave me the tools to reach out from that sadness and comfort others, who don’t have the ‘mythic structure’ to understand (because they can’t!).   And by using those tools to let them help me, in their own way, and show them I’m  (kinda) okay it made me a stronger woman.   And you don’t feel like a grown up until you lose a parent, that’s for damn sure.  And it sucks.  However, I’ll never be able to describe to you why I’ve enjoyed the process thanks to your teachings.

I was at the begining of a new process. I was learning to build a new identity for myself. Not care-giver, not daughter of Anne, in unit 8 North, Advanced Dementia.

Just… Jocelyn.
So I learned how to knit. Now  I am a knitter.

I asked Rachel if I can have a little bit of that yarn back.  I think I’ll knit it into a smaller version of that first wibbly wobbly scarf to try and symbolize my identity that summer.  Uncertain and confusing but will make a great foundation for something amazing.

I’ve been so enjoying posts of bloggers participating reading Gwen Bell’s Best of 2009 blog challenge and desperately wanting to participate but, and I feel quite loathe to admit this: I am a very boring girl and, sadly, have had difficulty remembering or drafting repsonses to the prompts, such as:

Rush. When did you get your best rush of the year? (likely the other day when I watched a man slip & fall on the ice. eeeks!)
or this:

Restaurant moment. Share the best restaurant experience you had this year. Who was there? What made it amazing? What taste stands out in your mind?.
(this did)

I realized when I went sorting through flickr to jog my memory, I have not done my 2009 Winter Count yet.

A winter count are pictorial traditions used by Lakota and Blackfeet tribes.
The winter counts would have a single picture for each year (first snowfall to first snowfall) that would serve to name that year. The pictures would be used as a reference that could be consulted regarding the order of the years. More extensive oral histories were passed down using the winter counts as guide posts.

Honestly, I haven’t much felt like revisiting 2009. It hasn’t been a bad year, quite the opposite. It’s just been… a year. A year in which, looking back, I feel like I have used my days well. This was the first year in about a decade I didn’t travel on an airplane. This was a litness test I created for myself when I was nine: When I’m grown up, I’ll be successful and travel on an airplane ONCE EVERY YEAR.

Sorry, nine-year-old self. Next year!

Here’s what I think of 2009, in pictures:
This year I have challenged myself in new ways & lunged in where I would have once ran away.

This year, my neice made me cry honest happy tears.

I loved my job

I lost my job

“Fun” employment is a phrase I’ll associate with 2009. My friend, Rachel, and I had many funemployment meetings. Every week.

In June, Maggie came to visit

That week I took a picture named “Being a hostess is exhausting”

The best money I spent this year was $7.99 on a schmancy envirosax bag. It stays in my purse and is there when I need it.
A close second, was buying an iPhone in April. It continues to delight me every time I use it (I just learned there is something called conductivity thread & if you sew it into your into my hand-knit mitts it will make the touch screen go)

I had eleven trips to the vet this year.

And I acquired a Third.

My favourite pictures are the ones I tagged “Me right now”

And, of course, the fabric

I read seven books this year.  (I started ten)

It’s been a very good year.  It’s been a year, not an exceptional year, but it will lead to exceptional things.  I don’t want 2010 to be better or worse than 2009, I’d just like it to look differently.

These are the most important pictures of my year, from snowfall to snowfall. I hope they capture me at my best, beit personal best or simply my favourite photos. I hope you enjoy the season!

Thursday evening two weeks ago I cuddled up on the couch to dive into “The Genealogoy of Morals” and I left the telly on for background. Big mistake.

Have you watched Flash Forward? It stars Joseph Fiennes as Mark Benford, a mild-manner FBI agent and others who are not Joseph Fiennes. The story line goes like this: For two minutes, everybody in the world sees their future. Joseph Fiennes as Mark Benford see’s himself in his office, drinking (scary, because he’s an alcoholic. six years sober!) with bad guys chasing him.

The flash of the future is a specific date & time, everybody see’s where they are and what they’re doing at this exact moment. Some people even recognize others in their flash forward and compare notes with each other.  Almost all the characters on Flash Forward suffer from terrible anxiety about what they have seen.

Joseph Fiennes as Mark Benford has a Nanny who believes all the forward-flashing angst who thinks GOD is responsible for the Flash Forward. “To punish us.” she said.

This is when Nietzsche will forget to watch Survivor. Nietzsche would totally agree with Joseph Fiennes as Mark Benford’s Nanny because he wrote that God did a smack down on arrogant people. A spiritual humiliation is in order when they’re not paying attention to God’s laws, or when they become strong (according to Nietzsche strength is nature of human)

I think Nietzsche will be quite entertained by the angst Joseph Fiennes as Mark Benford (and other Flash Forward characters) are suffering from.

Why? They are not taking responsibility for their existence. He believed that human nature was strong and societal institutions – those we create to make order and create sense of the world (government, religion, business, etc) fundamentally keep human nature weak.

Allow me to demonstrate with a simple example:

Institution cat is much smaller than Human Nature cat, who could clearly kick Institution cat’s butt if she were to take responsibility for her own existence (as they would if left to their own nature) However, history and the rules of the house (society) dictate that it’s UNACCEPTABLE for Human Nature cat to attack Institution cat. Although when  Human Nature was a kitten and new to the rules of the game, she might have given him an ass kicking he’d never forget.  She’s lived long enough to know that it’s not in her best interest to do so.

In other words, the rules of the society (institutions) have made her weak.

So watch Flash Forward tomorrow night and think about how the characters are reacting to their existence. Are they really taking responsibility for it? The fundamental assumption of the flash forward is the characters have no control over their destiny (Move AWAY Joseph Fiennes as Mark Benford. MOVE FAR FAR AWAY!). I think Neitszche would say “That sounds about right”

or

“And the good shall be he who does not do violence, does not attack or retaliate, who leaves vengeance to God, who, like us, lives hidden, who shuns all that is evil and altogether asks very little of life — like us, the patient, the humble, the just ones” Read in cold blood, this means nothing more than “We weak ones are, in fact, weak. It is a good thing that we do nothing for which we are not strong enough.”

(Nietzsche was a tad bitter).

Knitting content:

Started a new sweater last week:

So I may take a break from the other one:

Tuesday’s are a bit random in my world. I teach knitting Tuesday mornings. I love meeting my students and seeing their progress for the week gives me a really happy kind of boost. Yet, I don’t produce much on Tuesdays and the rest of the day is a bit of a write-off.

So, I’ve decided to take a page from my writing/knitting heroine, The Yarn Harlot, and post my random thoughts as they fit this assignment: my personal journey towards Ultimate Meaning.

1) I made a big commitment recently, 100 days to billable clients. It’s scary and it’s HARD. To work through the fear I’m working with Jeremy Miller to stay on task. I’ve called this project my Daily Desk project and I’ll be blogging about it on Tuesdays at Sunday Night Success.

2) I made another big commitment recently. To finish ALL my projects that are on the needles (Central Park Hoodie, Hemlock Ring Blanket), and the projects for the yarn I bought just in August and September (Malabrigo for a Pink Beret, 100 different shades of Cascade for Fiddlehead mitts). I’m going to finish all these by my birthday in two weeks!

2a) [Then, I will start using the yarn I bought in October (Cascade Eco Wool for Cozima AND some g o r g e o u s yarn from Whistler fiber artist, Ruth Williams. It's called Cherry, it's a merino silk blend. I cannot wait to cast on. It's going to be a real treat!]

2b) [this plan doesn’t account for the yarn I bought in 2007 or 2008. Later.

2c) I finished something!

The Mara shawl by Madelintosh.  I loved every second of knitting this because (a) it’s for a person I like very much and (b) the yarn. So gorgeous.   Hand dyed yarn really is a treat to knit with.   This is Tosh Worsted in Ginger.

3.  This week in class we’re reading Nietschze, continuing on with Frankel (whom I’m learning to love, or in his words, developing a strong repeating pattern for conscious & externalized affection) Kafka, & someone named Bakunin.  Thursday afternoon I have a date with myself, a caramel latte & these thinkers.  Good times.

4.   I miss my mom very much this week. I think it is because I had one of those unconscious-conscious moments you have when you lose somebody you love.  We measure time since we lost someone, and in my mind it was four years although the third sadiversary was in June.   I felt very silly for making that mistake.   It feels good to feel sad,  it’s my relationship with her now, and I like it. I can always get a new Mom, courtesy of Kleenex.

5.  Cute kitty picture.  This photo is so misleading, because he appears to be a nice cat.  A cat who doesn’t recognize jeans as “cat tree”, or consider “hissing” an invitation, or running away an invitation for a kitty piggy back ride.

I love knitters. I really, really do. A gathering is being planned in support of the Cowichan knitters when the Olympic Torch travels through the Cowichan Valley next week. I found this post from Skipper on Ravelry:

Just so you all know, there is a gathering being planned for Saturday, Oct. 31st, during the Olympic torch relay in the Cowichan Valley, in support of Cowichan knitters (and to make a statement to VANOC about our support of Cowichan knitters)! Wear your authentic Cowichan apparel and join us, if you can, from noon until about 3 pm – I’ll be driving up from Victoria in a van that can hold 6 others, and there’s at least one other van going, so we have lots of room ….. PM me for details, please, and pass this info on to anyone you think might be interested. Thanks!

Skipper’s blog is here, and I presume if you’re not on ravelry you can contact her through it. Take lots of pictures! I wish I could go.

…and from the “how to make a bad situation worse” file, see this CBC article on how the RCMP is *investigating* the sweater-wearing protestors. Sigh.

Aside, I am gushing with love over the knitting community. Have had almost 40 people join the knit along. Details to come once I unravel my brain (Will we raise money? How? Who will give us prizes?) etc. Ideas welcome.